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Play the memories. Hit restart. Pause it at our favourite parts. And skip the goodbyes. 
Because when this started, it was never meant to end.

Went for MRI scan,so after the doctors put me in a capsule, made me felt like I was in a coffin, blasted loud irritating magnetic sounds, made me wait for 2 hours in town, luckly i was with baby accompany, they finally gave me a big envelope. I was excited to know my injury, ironically. But I wasn’t patient enough to wait till I got home. So there were 5 big films in it. I could clearly see the interior of my left knee but I was unfortunately not pro enough to figure out what went wrong or which ligaments actually tore. So I thought it was pointless. Reach home And then I realised there’s actually a slip of report in that envelope,

 And here’s what it says; 

Result shown Grade two strain of the medial joint capsule and medial collateral ligament.Peripheral third of the medial menicus, there may be a physiological high signal intensity versus small horizontal tear. 

 I have to make a return to the hospital days after and since it is a menicus tear,i got no choice then proceed with the operation maybe one or two months from now. This is really troublesome. Travelling here and there, spending hours, limping and everyone looking at me and my pathetic leg. I’ve got all the unwanted attention I don’t need.

So now I just want to go through this quickly. Go cut my legs, drill my bones, sew my MCL, put screws in my joints, sew my skin back, whatever needed. Then let me heal and rot as a handicap for months. No more suspense please. I’m so sick and tired of blabbering about my knee already. No more.And mum, I’ll quit football, ok? If that makes you happy. I don’t think I can still play well anyway. You’re right. I’m just a dreamer all along.

Once, a young boy had a dream.
A dream of all his many dreams.
Today, its shaterred.
Tomorrow, he might have to forget the dream.
And dump all the years of hardwork and sacrifice.
Helpless, he can only pray to The Almighty.
Tears yet again.

Turning My Back On You

When I was 4, my father bought me a pair of boots and a set of the national team jersey. He embeded my name at the back. He told me one day, he wants to see me on television representing Singapore. I told myself I want to make him proud. Sadly god love him more than I do. He left the world even before seeing me on television and I was only 7 years old on that point. Maybe he wont be able to be by my side giving me all the support i need but i believe he is always looking after me from the top. I had a dream, but I knew it was only a dream. I’ve never had too much expectations of myself. And then ever since of his absent, I was given alot of opportunity to catch my dream. called-up into the National Football Academy since i was 12 years old,25 were handpicked island-wide amongst all 1992 babies.

I can’t fulfill my father’s vision. But at least I was one step away. I didn’t get to play on TV but my name with “Bin Ahmad” was on the newspapers for my father to read. I didn’t get the opportunity to play for the senior team yet, but I wore a flag on my chest and my name embeded on my back for real. And its an honour to represent the country playing with the best young players in Singapore and against the best young players in the World. Its already a dream come true for me and I hope I made my father proud. I had my limelights, perhaps I dont need the spotlight. I hate to give up, but my knee wouldn’t function like it used to. I’m taking mum’s orders.

I’ve been hit by the hardest rocks and waves lately. I need time to change myself. So as I’m turning my back on this blog for a while, I’m turning my back on football for good.     



And lastly I thank you for concerning.I was sick, alone, depressed, staring at the ground.I have too much to think, yet I really dont know what to do.And then one call wiped that frown away.No one makes me feel the way you do.Iloveyoualwaysangemily!

I tried my best coach. But what you said is just so hard for me to accept it. I know im not good in your eyes but i believe in myself that i have that talent somehow in me. I tried proving you coach wrong but you guys just dont give me a chance to show. One last thing I’m asking from you, one last pls pass me the LTC letter if you don’t want to see me ending my career just like that. You alr did once pls don’t do it twice.  - coach hyrizan.  

(via catastrophicdays)

Because you are the person that would do the silliest things with me and then we would laugh at it. You would fight with me over small things and then when i roll my eyes at you, you would give me big tight hugs. We would kiss in the middle of town like no one’s looking. We would play catching at the most random times. The way you play with my hair and kiss me on the forehead. The way i always kiss your tummy and the way you would squeal and scream like a girl. The way we hold each other’s hand so tightly. The way you bite my nose. The way i pinch yours. The way you flick your hair. The way i always adjust my hair when i walk past any reflective surface and you would hug me and say, “Dah lawa la b.” The way you would always make fun of other couples fighting. The way i stand on top of your feet and we would walk around like that. The way you stare at the guy when he looks at me. The way you say “Tgk tgk boleh dpt pe?” The way you say “i love you baby” after a kiss whenever you send me home. And the list goes on. I can never find the right words to tell you how much i love you or how much you mean to me. You know that i’ll always have a place in my heart for you. <3